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Ask Elena
Ask George
Dr. Elena and Hubby George


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Dear Elena,

My daughter is having a baby and asked me to give her a “baby shower”. I would like to invite several of my friends to the shower as well as the wedding, even though my daughter does not know them. My daughter is really upset about my wanting to invite my friends. But I think that since I am hosting the entire party and paying for the wedding, that it should be up to me. Who is right? Do you think it would be improper etiquette for me to invite my friends?

Thanks,
-Maura


Dear Maura,

I have to side with your daughter on this one. While it would be very nice of her to welcome your friends, she obviously does not. You are giving her a party/wedding, and they are about making people feel special. She clearly won’t feel special if you override her on this and invite your friends. Perhaps you can have a luncheon or other gathering for you and your friends at another time.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

My husband and I have been having a lot of money problems. When I mention to him about getting a job to help out he insists on me doing the work I do at home. If I send out resumes and start job hunting he is very negative and says you’ve done this before and have not gotten a job. He discourages me.

I don’t get paid for the work and time that I put into my training. We both are banking on my training and resulting work paying off big time in the future.

Anyway, at other times he makes remarks like “he does everything” for us and it really hurts my feelings. I do almost all of the housework and feel that I do my fair share without complaint. I feel like he needs to make up his mind, either encourage and support me in putting my training aside in favor of steady employment, or stop complaining. I feel he is putting me in a “lose-lose” position. I want to help us get back on track financially. Any suggestions on the best way to handle this problem?

Thank You,
-Cherilyn


Dear Cherilyn,

It sounds like your husband has conflicting feelings about you working and his position as the man and bread-winner of the family. I think you need to approach him in a loving way about the matter. Let him know that you want to contribute to the team and go out and get a job. These days it is very hard to live on one salary, and perhaps your husband is holding himself to an un-realistic higher standard.

If you are doing all the things you say, his comments about doing everything are rude, untrue and cruel. Some people think that unless the house-wife or house-husband is bringing in income the contribution is not as important, or invalid. Interestingly enough, you might want to write down all the things you do in the course of a day and/or week and research how much it would cost to have these things done in the marketplace.
If you can do the training at the same time as you work, great. If not, put the training on the back burner and get a job. If you don’t have a budget, get one in place, stick to it, and work through this together.

Money problems can be scary and exhausting, and you and your husband will weather the storm by making a commitment to resolving the problem with a united front.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

It seems that lately, every time I go on a date, at the end of the date, they expect me to pay, or at least pay half. Who do you feel should pay for a date?

Please help,
-Jessica


Dear Jessica,

I think the rule of thumb is that whoever does the asking out does the doling out of the bucks. I think the guys that have been asking you out and expecting you to fork out all or half of the money are rude and/or cheap. The good news is that it saves you time in meshing out the good guys from the not so good guys. This is when the magic four-letter word comes in, “Next!”

I also feel that in any dating situation where one person is paying for the date, the person receiving the “free” meal should take a conservative approach when suggesting an activity, restaurant, and/or meal, regardless of the other person’s ability to pay. I recently heard from a male friend of mine about a woman who asked him to go out for tea. She chose a five-star restaurant where many famous upscale celebrities enjoy meals. She not only had tea, she ate a full course meal, complete with dessert, ordering the most expensive items on the menu. My friend only had tea. At the end of the meal, when the waitress brought the check, she headed for the ladies room and made it clear that she expected my friend to pay for her meal. My friend is a gentleman and paid the bill and did not make a scene. Her actions told him everything he needed to know about her level of integrity. So when she called my friend for another date, he politely declined. Can you believe she actually had the nerve to ask my friend to go out on another date with her after that?

Ironically, a mutual friend of ours had the same experience with that young woman to the tune of $500.00 for a dinner date that she asked him to take her on, etc.
Both of my friends said that she is a professional (not “pro”), attractive woman who feels a certain sense of entitlement. Personally, I put her behavior in a lower category than a prostitute, because with a prostitute, you know up front what the deal ultimately will be, etc.

To sum up my answer, simply stated, “Whoever asks, pays.” Let me also express and emphasize the point that dating manners are indicated. That is, don’t take advantage of your date like the gold-digger I mentioned above.

I also believe that after you have been dating a man for a few months, it is only fair to invite him to go places and do things on your dime. I didn’t mention this previously, but I do NOT think it is in a woman’s best interest to ask a man out on a first, second, third or even forth date ever! I’ll discuss this in more detail in future ezines.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

I started going out with a guy a few months ago that I have known casually for about four years. He is pushing me to marry him. I am not ready to make that kind of commitment. I have been in relationships in the past and I am reluctant to jump into anything right now. And too, I have children to consider. He says that I am being negative and should focus on the positive and give us a try. What do you think?

Awaiting your answer,
-Lyn


Dear Lyn,

I admire your patience Lyn. Just kidding! Seriously though, take your time. I don’t like the fact that this guy told you not to consider the past and makes you feel like you are being negative and/or something is wrong with you. You have not known him long enough to make a decision. And the fact that you have children suggests to me that you need to slow this down a bit. Dating and courtship are useful in determining if a person is a viable candidate to hold a place in your heart and life. I think you need to trust you own gut and not let this guy or anyone talk you out of your concerns. Again, time is the answer. You will find out over time if he is the right person for you. Your main commitment is to yourself and your children, and when and if you are ready and he is willing, the relationship can proceed to another level.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

I went out with a great guy that I met on the Internet. We talk on the phone for hours and we both love to travel. We enjoy eating out at fine restaurants, going to the theatre, white-water rafting, etc. We have so much in common. The thing that we don’t have in common is that I am not physically attracted to him. I told him that I was feeling a friendship vibe from him but he is still pursuing me in a romantic way. He is a great guy and I feel badly that I don’t feel the same way about him as he does me. What should I do?

Thanks,
-Jasmine


Hi Jasmine,

Stop feeling sorry for him! It is what it is!

You did the right thing in telling him how you feel (a friendship vibe). I am bothered by people who mislead others in affairs of the heart. You did not do that. However, some guys will take the friendship vibe talk in stride and try to win you over. In fact, you may be more of a challenge to him. If you are feeling uncomfortable and he is crossing your boundaries then you may not be able to count him among your friends. If you want to attempt being friends with him, you could limit your phone conversations with him, and if you get together with him always invite others to come along. You could also mention to him that you are dating other people and invite him to do the same. If you continue to feel uncomfortable with him, then end your involvement with him. You are not obligated to him in any way and must do what is right for you. Dating is all about the process of making a connection and if it is not a two way street, the connection has not been made. If it is possible to make friends with someone you briefly date, or an ex, that’s great, but more often than not, one of the parties involved has romantic and/or sexual feelings toward the other person.

So, my advice is to assert yourself and take care of yourself. If you are uncomfortable at any point, set it straight, and move on.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

I have been spending a lot of time recently with my cousin Joan. She is very depressed and has been doing a lot of crying because her daughter eloped to Canada with a fella my cousin Joan doesn't like. Her daughter Katie is 26 so I told her that at that age she can't really interfere because her daughter is a grownup and must make her own choices, right or wrong. I believe that cousin is mourning her daughter’s break-up with her previous boyfriend of six years Mike. Mike was very loved by my cousin Joan and her husband Frank, so they hoped he would become part of their family. Joan’s daughter’s new boyfriend Paul came along very quickly after the breakup so they didn't get to know him. They have decided they don't like him even without knowing him. They even called Mike the ex-boyfriend to try and have him stop the marriage. Mike called Katie the day before the trip to Canada and they had a fight. Katie is now very angry with her parents for telling Mike about Paul and the marriage. Elena, doesn't this sound like a soap opera? You must hear this all the time. As far as I know, Katie and Paul have already gotten married in Canada.

Your thoughts on this would be most appreciated.
-Marilyn


Hi Marilyn,

It sounds like you gave your cousin Joanne excellent advice. She really can't dictate who her daughter marries at age 26. And too, if your cousin doesn't make nice with her new son-in-law, her relationship with her daughter is going to be adversely effected. It is obvious as a mother that she just wants her daughter to be loved and safe in life and the choice of life partner is paramount to that end result.

Marriage is a hard commitment and responsibility to maintain over the course of years even in the best of conditions, and too many a bad decision has been made when a rebound situation has taken place. Unfortunately, many of us have to learn things the hard way. Conversely, it is possible that the marriage could work out, and children may also be brought into the picture at some point in time. I'm sure that your cousin would want to be part of her grandchildren's life.

I think Joan has to take a step back and a take a deep breath, and do her best to welcome her new son-in-law into the family fold so that she doesn't jeopardize the relationship she has with her daughter and/or future grandchildren. And/or so that she can be in a position to love and support her daughter Katie when and if the marriage unravels, without ever telling her daughter, "I told you so"! It would be wise for Joan not do anything (i.e., try to get Katie back with Mike) to undermine her daughter’s new marriage. It must be heart-wrenching for your cousin!

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

I recently found out that my boyfriend, age 31, told his mother graphic intimate details about our sex life, and I am so embarrassed.

What should I do?
-Kim


Hi Kim,

Are you serious? I obviously think it is highly inappropriate for your boyfriend to discuss intimate details about your sex life with his mother at his age. If you were teens and his life and/or your life were at risk (unprotected sex) and/or pregnancy, I could understand how a young man could divulge such information. However, in the course of an adult love relationship, it seems to me that his behavior is way out of line and in fact, quite immature.

I wonder if his lack of concern over private matters with you extend to other areas of your relationship? His behavior suggests that he cannot be trusted. And in my book, if you cannot trust someone, he is not relationship material.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

How can I get my husband to pick up after himself? He is such a great guy and I love him so much, but this habit of his just drives me crazy, and I am getting resentful toward him. I feel that it is unfair that I have to pick up after myself, but he doesn’t seem to care that he is messing up our home and making me do all this extra, unnecessary work. When he leaves his messes around the house I feel like he doesn’t care about me or our home.

What should I do?
-Gail


Dear Gail,

Perhaps you could sanction certain areas of the house. That is, your husband can keep his area of the house anyway he wants to keep it, but keep the shared area neat and clean. And/or, if you have the income, perhaps you could hire a maid. A friend of mine shared with me how she and her husband resolved a similar problem. Her husband is a self-proclaimed slob, and my friend is the original “Nancy Neatnik”.

In their first years of their marriage, my friend, I’ll call her Nancy from now on, said she was ripping her hair out in frustration because her husband left a trail of mess everywhere he went in their home. He said he felt that since Nancy worked at home and not outside the home, that she should naturally have this job responsibility. Nancy called his bluff and got a job outside of the home, and ironically, Nancy was still picking up after her husband. She joked that she felt she had to follow him around with a dust pan and brush. And while he laughed, Nancy felt very irritated. She said it even affected her sexual relationship with her husband. Nancy decided to take matters into her own hands and hired a housecleaner. Nancy’s husband is very frugal, and told Nancy that they didn’t need a housecleaner since Nancy was perfectly capable of picking up after him and their children. Nancy put her foot down and said she was not going to pick up after him and would pay to have the task done. Nancy’s husband began adding numbers up in his head and came to the conclusion that it would be in his best financial interest to pick up after himself. This was a big day in their marriage! Nancy said this was the day that her husband saved their marriage.

Nancy’s husband grew up in a family where his mother and his sisters picked up after his Dad and the boys in the house. Nancy’s family had a more liberal approach and everyone pitched in and got the work done. Gender had no bearing on household tasks. It was a team effort. Initially Nancy’s children saw her picking up after their Dad and they began to drop their clothes and/or things anywhere in the house as well. After Nancy’s husband changed his ways, their children changed as well. The future wives of her two boys will be very pleased that Nancy taught her children respect by picking up after themselves and being team players.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

I have had so many bad relationships with men that I am thinking about trying to date women. I know it sounds like a cliché but I am seriously thinking about it.

Any advice?
-Andrea


Dear Andrea,

The key phrase in your question is the term “Trying.” If you really had intended on going in this direction, you would have already done it and not just tried to do it…so I think the reality is that you need some time off from relationships and dating for awhile. You obviously have not been having a very good time of dating and relationships, and I have a feeling that changing gender preference would not yield better relationships. Gay people have challenges in dating as well as heterosexuals! Back to you, this may be a great opportunity to work on yourself internally and also do some nice things for yourself and put dating and relationships aside for awhile. In other words, you might want to look into joining a good 12-Step program for co-dependents. I don’t know whether or not you are co-dependent (but who isn't to some degree?). However, I think that a 12-Step and/or other professional help may assist you in understanding and appreciating yourself, thereby helping you to bring better people into your life.

Digressing about taking care of yourself: Do things that make you feel special. Perhaps you can get a manicure or facial, or join a gym. It is important that you focus your time and attention on getting to know and appreciate yourself . Whenever you are in a destructive rut and it seems that you are meeting/dating guys that are all wrong, this is your signal to re-examine yourself and what you are projecting. If you hold yourself in high esteem you won’t give the time of day to "loser types."

So think of your time off as a wonderful opportunity to invest in yourself for awhile. I think it is wise to give yourself at least six months of “You” time!"

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

I have been dating Jim for six months. He is romantic and attentive. We are in love and in an exclusive relationship. He has met my family and friends but I have not met his family and friends yet. Whenever I ask him about meeting them he changes the subject and/or refuses to discuss it with me. I love him so much but this really bothers me.

What should I do?
-Brenda


Dear Brenda,

They say that a women’s intuition is a powerful tool, and yours has been tugging at your intellect as well as your heart strings. You probably would like me to suggest that you sit down with him and tell him that you want to meet his family and friends, and then give him a chance to meet your request. I personally think his actions are very telling and you need to back off from the relationship for now. Women as a group tend to think romance is love. It may be the precursor to love or not. He is either not as serious about you as you are about him, and/or he is ashamed of his family, and/or he has no friends and /or he is hiding something from you. None of these scenarios is very pleasant. A man in love usually wants everyone to meet the woman he loves.

I don’t think it is wise to push him into introducing you to his family and friends. Just stay tuned to your intuition. Trust your gut and go with it.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


Dear Elena,

I have been dating my guy for 5 years now. I am 30 and he is 35. My boyfriend wants us live together because he says we don’t need a piece of paper to proclaim our love and commitment. I want to get married. I have been thinking that if I move in with him and show him what a good life we can have together he will propose.

What do you think?
-Danielle


Dear Danielle,

Don’t do it!

You are deluding yourself if you think you will change his mind. He already told you how he feels and his intentions. He doesn’t want to get married period. If by chance, you force the issue with him and he concedes, your marriage will have at best, a shaky foundation. You are at a crossroads, if you need that piece of paper as he put it, more than your desire to be with him on his terms then you have a hard choice to make. I don’t recommend you give him an ultimatum or manipulate him. I know it is very hurtful however, I think you need to get on with your life. Simply stated, you both want and need different things. It is possible that he may turn around after you leave, but again, I don’t recommend you leave with that thought in the back of your mind.

Take care of yourself. Let me know overtime, how it turns out for you.

Wishing You Love,
-Elena


George Bien

Dr. George Bien
America's Mind Coach
and Elena's Adorable Husband. Yes!


Dear George,

I have had three children in the past few years and have put on a lot weight. My husband says he loves me and is still attracted to me. I don’t want him to see how bad I look naked. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
-Karen


Dear Karen,

The solution is simple. Turn out the lights! Oh that's right, he's apt to feel those extra pounds with the lights off.
Seriously Karen, you are a product of the times. Let me ask you a question. What is the most important job of Madison Avenue? (where most of the radio/television/print advertising is created in the U.S.). Whenever I ask this question in one of my seminars, answers often include: “To make money for the advertiser”, “To come up with a creative advertising campaign”, “To create a catchy slogan”, etc. Yes, all these answers are true, but none of them are the underlying motive. So are you ready to hear what the real job of Madison Avenue is (the genius behind all advertising)? Here it is: “To make you feel inadequate”!!!!!

Let me explain. Think about any ad that you see on television, hear on the radio, or see in print. The job of the ad is to get you to not “buy” but “buy into” an idea, and that idea is that you are not OK without that specific product and/or service. “This toothpaste will give you a smile that people will notice, otherwise you will not stand out in the crowd”. "This cereal will help give you a healthy heart, otherwise your might not make it to 60”. “This car will make you a ‘woman-magnet’, otherwise you'll have to work hard to get those dates”. “These jeans will make you look slimmer, otherwise your'll just be another fat person”. “This medication will make you more potent, otherwise you won't satisfy your wife/girlfriend”. “This product will help you get into that bikini this summer, otherwise you will be a wallflower again”. “This service will save you money, otherwise you'll overpay for the house you want to buy”. Do I really need to continue? It is this form of manipulation that decides what we should eat, drink, wear, and above all, how we should look.

I recently returned from teaching in Malaysia. While there I was talking with a person I met about Elena (my wife and author of this ezine, but you know that), and how she is a prolific author and a former university professor. The person seemed impressed by her credentials. I then mentioned that Elena is a former fashion model. Well, you wouldn’t believe the fuss that the person made over this fact. “A fashion model? You are married to a fashion model? Wow!” And this person was a female. You can just imagine how a male would have reacted.

Can you believe it? More fuss was made over the fact that Elena is a former high fashion model than the fact that she is an extremely articulate, academically accomplished, former university professor. And this attitude is not limited to any one country. It is pervasive throughout the world. We are so taken up with looks. Again, it’s because of Madison Avenue.

Karen, you, like all of us, are a product of what the advertisers told us we should be in terms of body image. It was not long ago when feminine beauty was represented totally differently. The great seventeenth century painter, Peter Paul Rubens typifies this in his masterpiece, “Venus at a Mirror". Women in those times were voluptuous.

Now I ask you, how many models having this body would make it to the first round of America's Next Top Model? That's right, none!
Karen, there are a number of things that you left out of your question. Most importantly, what is your husband's attitude towards your body? You did say that he says he loves you and is still attracted to you. However, has he ever made any critical comments/remarks about your weight gain? If so, then your concern about having him see you naked is a valid one. If not, bring up the topic and listen to what he says specifically, and listen carefully for any possible underlying innuendos. He might actually enjoy a larger woman. You have to make some decisions. First, ask yourself some questions. Why do you feel embarrassed with the size of your body? If you knew for a fact that your husband found you irresistibly attractive with your present body size, would you still not want him to see you naked? Is it really about him, or is it actually that you are so critically unforgiving about the way you look? There are health reasons to consider here also. You didn’t mention your weight verses your height and body type, so it's difficult to for me to imagine your size.
You and other women often say that because of the pregnancies it’s virtually impossible to lose the gained weight. Yes, pregnancies are a contributing factor and it’s not easy to lose the extra gained weight. However, determination and a compelling reason for doing so can help keep you motivated and on track. Just look at one of my former clients, Lena Sanchez.

Now, sculpturing your body to this degree may not be your goal. But it shows you what can be accomplished by a 49-year-old mother of two. I am still amazed by Lena's determination.

Set short-term reachable goals, and above all, get involved in an exercise program (with a medical doctor's approval). Don't compare yourself to a 20-year-old aerobics instructor, or bodybuilder. Compare yourself to what you are each moment in time to what you were the previous day, week, month, etc. Also remember that the scale is not a good barometer of progress. Notice how you feel in your clothes. This is always the best gauge. Are they getting looser? As they begin falling off, you might be happily standing naked in front of your husband much sooner than expected.

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

First let me say, that I love your column. I look forward to reading it every month.
My husband is usually a very sweet person, but as soon as he becomes stressed he takes it out on me. He says mean things to me and starts fights and really hurts my feelings. He apologizes and then continues to behave in this same manner.
When he gets like that I try to avoid him. I do my best not to get into arguments with him but it is nearly impossible. I feel like he corners me and badgers me when he gets into this kind of mind set. I feel like a trapped animal. And I don’t feel loved and respected as these events take place.

If he gets like this before we are going somewhere, he is fine at the event and I am still carrying his cruel words with me. I love my husband very much and want him to stop scapegoating me. I deserve better.

Please help,
-Shelly


Dear Shelly,

Thank you for your kind words Shelly. Let me see what I can suggest.
Men as a gender, with some exceptions, are usually more reactive than women. What’s interesting is that some of them can lash out at anything or anyone in visual proximity, be done with it, and often forget it ever happened. Women, on the other hand, have traditionally been taught to hold things in, to not react, and in this manner maintain balance in the household and/or relationship. Here too, there are exceptions.

Yet, to stereotype genders in this way is nonsense because both men and women are humanly androgynous. There’s an old adage that says, “What is not expressed, finds expression”. Shelly, I understand your need to create as much harmony in your household as possible. Yet if you continue holding things in, they will express themselves in other ways. By constantly playing a balancing act, his “explosions” end up becoming your “implosions”. At the least, they can be frustrating. At the most, they can become life-threatening, as in the case of a serious disease. You need to express yourself, your feelings, concerns, wants, fears, etc. Your hubby seems like the type who may not be willing to listen. So you might initially have to express things subtlety.

You said that your husband apologizes after his tirades, which must mean that he is aware that he is hurting your feelings and more. So maybe he will listen. Let me ask you, what does he do right after he apologizes? Basically, how long does he maintain his awareness of your feelings? It is during these times that a good “heart-to-heart” talk might be in order.

You said that you feel like a “trapped animal”. Yet, you said that this trapped feeling is when your husband acts out, and not during other times. I just wonder what percentage of time is spent by him lashing out verses the time he appears to be a caring husband.

You also didn’t mention if this is your husband’s typical behavior or if this is a recent development? If it’s recent, your husband may want to figure out what his stressors are, and either prevent them from becoming an issue or find new ways of coping with his stress. You may be his only scapegoat! But that’s still no excuse for any type of abusive treatment. Then there is also the matter of whether or not your husband is willing to change his behavior. Couple counseling does not have a good track record, but it’s worth a try. All these things are important considerations.
If your husband is willing to listen, there is still hope. He has to really see and understand what his behavior is doing to the person he loves. Don’t just tell him, show him! Show him the research on the potential dangers to you by holding on to your hurt feelings, and of your inexpressive behavior. A “trapped/caged animal” who feels that there is no escape just succumbs. He must be made aware of how dangerous it is to you to just succumb.

If on the other hand he is completely inflexible and refuses to change, and/or things become even more intolerable, then we have some serious issues to consider. I will not tell you what to do. But there is the type of “trapped/caged animal” that does not succumb. It plans its escape, and when the first opportunity presents itself, “runs for its life”! Better to be alone than at the mercy of an abusive spouse!

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

My wife snores so loud that she keeps me up all night. It may sound like a funny problem but it is driving me insane.

Any suggestions?
-Phil


Dear Phil,

Have you tried a clothes pin? Just kidding!

Anyone who has slept next to a snorer knows that this is no joke. First things first: Perhaps your wife needs to get a physical exam to rule out the possibility of any physical damage or health problem. Causes include: Alcohol or medications like sleeping pills and anti-histamines; certain allergies that cause congestion in the nose and the airway; excessive production of mucus due to fatty food items such as dairy products; smoking, sinusitis; and obesity, since fat deposits around the neck and throat can exert pressure on the airway. Now be smart about this. If your wife is extremely overweight, please be tactful with any suggestions of losing weight. And don’t use my name! Only kidding!

Snoring may also be a symptom of a serious disorder called "sleep apnea". It most common in men, but there are women who also suffer from this disorder. Sleep apnea affects approximately 20% of the population and can cause breathing to cease for more than 10 seconds. This can occur as many as 300 times or more in one night. Now that’s pretty scary! Remember, only a doctor can determine the cause of the snoring.

Here are some good resources on symptoms, causes, cures and treatment of snoring:
http://www.helpguide.org/life/snoring.htm
http://www.healthline.com

If it is not a health problem, and the above are all ruled out, then you might want to examine the condition your wife is in when she goes to bed. Does she go to bed exhausted? Sometimes lack of rest can cause snoring. If that is the case, you might be able to lighten the load for her so she can get a restful night’s sleep. There’s a fringe benefit, “You can get one too”.

There are also numerous programs out there that claim to help a person stop snoring. Here's one that states, "Stop-Snoring program that is curing even the worst snorers (and leaving doctors in disbelief) with a series of simple, step-by step 3-minute exercises". It costs $49.

Here's another possible remedy that costs only $6.95. However, the author wants you to sign a disclaimer namely, ". . . I also understand that there is no guarantee that everyone's nose and mouth passages are shaped properly for this technique to work . . ." Does that mean that your wife’s nose and mouth must fall into a “proper-cookie-cutter” shape and size for this program to work? What if she’s not one of the lucky ones? Maybe that’s why it’s only $6.95. Here's the link anyway.
http://www.howtostopsnoring.com/

Please note that I am not associated with the above programs in any way, and I cannot vouch for their effectiveness. But they and/or others like them might be worth investigating.

Update: I recently checked the above link, and found that the "$6.95 unit" is no longer advertised. That should tell you a lot about its quality, or shall I say, "lack thereof"? However, the website has some usful links with regards to snoring, including various devices.

Here are some things that my Mom had my Dad do to help alleviate his snoring. He would inhale steam before sleeping. These traditional remedies helped reduce congestion and moisturized the throat. She had my Dad learn to sleep on his side, and she also had him elevate his head by sleeping on multiple pillows. But there is some research that actually suggests just the opposite. However, this pillow-on-pillow technique seemed to work for my Dad and helped control his snoring, but he always woke up with a "pain in his neck". Just kidding!

My Dad also had a humidifier running in the bedroom while sleeping. If you don’t have a humidifier, you can try putting a container of water near your radiator.
As a last resort, I suggest separate bedrooms. I know some couples insist on having their own bedrooms and coming together on special occasions, which is a remedy. I think intimacy can be lost with this arrangement.

And Phil, if you really need to be apart from you wife for a while, you can always send her to find peace at the Amaravati Buddhist Monastery Retreat Centre. Look what’s stated in the Center’s literature, “Do you need a single room for reasons of ill health, disability, age or loud snoring?”
http://www.amaravati.org

Best always,
-George



Dear George,

My wife craves romance and complains that I am not romantic at all. I think it should be enough for her that I work hard, pay the bills, and bring home the bacon.

Who’s right?
-Alex


Dear Alex,

I certainly hope you don’t’ “bring home the bacon”. It has absolutely no nutritional value. Seriously though, I don’t think it’s a question of who is right or wrong. I think that it has more to do with the results you are looking to bring about.

Alex, you didn’t mention whether or not your wife had a job outside the home. You also didn’t mention whether or not you enjoyed having sex with your wife. Knowing this would give me a better frame from which to draw some conclusions. I’ll try answering your question with and without these in mind.

Whoever said, “Women are looking for romance; men are looking for sex”, was not so far off base. Now before you start sending me “hate mail”, please hear me out. Of course there are men who are extremely romantic and there are some women who want a simple “roll in the hay”, but this is actually contrary to the basic make-up of the species. In prehistoric times a female needed protection and security, hence she craved the closeness and bonding. The male was looking to impregnate as many females as possible. This was an ongoing drive. If she was visible and he felt that he could take her, he would do so. In those days there was no need to have a good “rap” because using a club on her head was much faster. Today, the “club on the head” is often the sweet talk of a “player”.

If your wife doesn’t have a job outside of the home, a good part of her life is often centered on her home. I don’t know about you, but if I were a woman in the house day-in and day-out, it would eventually make me “stir-crazy”! So how about a diversion? OK, I’ll watch some TV. And what’s usually on TV during typical 9-5 working hours? That’s right, it’s talk shows and, “You got it”, Soap Operas! And what’s on these Soaps? That’s right, “ROMANCE!” So I’ll watch all this romance and fantasize about my being with my husband.

Or, maybe I’ll read a Romance Novel. I don’t know what the latest figures are, but the last thing I read was that Romance Novels accounted for almost 80% of all books sold in the U.S. Alex, who do you think reads most of the romance novels? I don’t think it’s your guy-buddies. It’s women! Gosh Alex, can you take all this romance?

Your letter didn’t go into the complete dynamics of your relationship with your wife, i.e., are you supportive in other areas?; are you (is she) flexible in other areas?; is there a sense of love and loyalty?; are you (is she) domineering?; are there children being raised?; is money plentiful, or are you in severe debt?; what are your religious convictions, if any?; and much more.

Here are some other things to think about. Do you really have no interest in romance, or is it that you have no interest in romance with your wife? You didn’t mention how long you are married. If things were “hot and heavy” in the beginning of the relationship, is it that you are now no longer attracted to your wife, or are bored? Maybe it’s a rut that you’ve gotten into that has now become habitual. Are you angry with her about something and are punishing her? Perhaps you are simply so exhausted by the time you come home, and romance would simply mean more work? You really have to look at these and other questions.

Whatever the issue, here’s the deal. If you honestly love you wife Alex, her happiness must mean a lot to you. And if you see that working hard and paying the bills are not hitting the mark, then you are not truly expressing your love for her. You don’t have to “wine and dine” her right away. Begin taking small steps. Compliment how she looks. Spend even a few hours a week together talking, sharing, and interacting. Women want romance. There are some wives out there who, if they don't find romance within their marriage, look for it outside their marriage in the arms of another man.

Alex, your wife wants romance and she wants it with YOU! Consider yourself lucky! Don’t throw it away!

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

My husband is wonderful in so many ways. The challenge I have with him is that he constantly complains about our two dogs. I had the dogs before we got married and he knew we were a package deal. I can understand why he gets upset on occasion because the dogs have done some destructive things. And I get upset with them too, sometimes!

However, whenever they do anything wrong, he blames me and complains and gives me a hard time. I feel like he is being a bully. And I feel he is being unfair. I feel my husband needs to change his attitude and stop making us both miserable over the dogs. He knows that I love the dogs, and I feel that they are part of our family. When we married, I moved to his state, to his home, around his family and friends, and I feel that my dogs are part of the home and confront that I left behind. I want to be able to enjoy them without having to walk on eggshells. The dogs do not sleep with us, and I have made compromises about the dogs to make peace in our home, and I think my husband needs to do this as well. I feel he is being passive-aggressive. He says he feels he is now stuck with the dogs until they die. This hurts me because I love them and him so much.

The other thing is that the dogs have come to love and trust him too.

How should I handle this?
-Sandy


Dear Sandy,

Gosh Sandy! Your question sure hits home! Elena and I had a similar agreement concerning her two cats. When Elena and I were engaged, she told me that her cats were part of the package. I love animals, however I had a cat of my own, and I felt that two more would create some challenges. But my love for Elena superseded, so when we got married and she moved in with me, her two little companions came along.

My cat was an older, quiet female that basically slept most of the time. I guess I expected this from Elena’s buddies. Boy was I wrong! One of Elena’s two critters developed the lovely (Not!) habit of urinating in various corners of the apartment. At times she even urinated on the furniture. If any of our friends are reading this, they will now know why I always suggested that they sit in that certain chair – the one I continuously avoided. Just kidding! The other wonderful critter also had a glorious (Not!) habit. He enjoyed sharpening his claws on our furniture. He especially liked the new living room set, and tore parts of it to shreds. We tried every trick in the book to get him to stop, but no cigar!

So here are the questions. Did I agree to take the cats in? Yes, I did. Did I agree to have the apartment destroyed (no evidence of this behavior was displayed at Elena’s apartment)? No! There’s also a third question. Did I complain? YES!!! Actually, at one point I complained so much that Elena finally agreed to give the cats to a “no-kill” shelter. And guess who stopped her? Me! Yes, I’ve grown to love the rascals. And what’s really funny is that the “Claw-Sharpening, Boy-Cat” actually enjoyed sitting on my lap more than on Elena’s.

Time had passed, and sadly my sweet cat passed on, and eventually so did one of Elena’s, her precious female cat. The “Boy-Cat” was beyond depressed, so I agreed to Elena’s wish to adopt another cat as company for the “Boy-Cat” to help him come of his depression. We adopted a sweet, docile, little kitten, and named her “Takara”, Japanese for “Precious Treasure”. Well, “Takara” would have been more appropriately named, “Attila” – the “Knock Down Anything in Sight” Road Runner!
I tell you all of this because many of us agree to things without weighing the potential outcomes. Hindsight is easy. Having foresight often isn’t. Also, a loving, caring, “I’ll do anything for you” moment can result in some challenging consequences down the line.

When you make an agreement with your loved one, also agree to a level of flexibility. Make sure that he/she understands that the unexpected can at times take place. How far from the initial agreement are each of you are willing to stretch, should the need arise. And you might also want to write these things down on a piece of paper and have other person sign the paper as an acknowledgement of his/her understanding. Gee, isn’t that what contracts are for?

From the sound of your letter, I'm guessing that none of what I mentioned above entered into your agreement. I believe that both of you are at fault in this situation. It sounds like your husband is operating under the assumption that the agreement he made with you about the dogs is open to negotiation, and seems to feel that if he badgers you long enough, he will get his way. The fact is that he did agree to take in the dogs. So he is reneging on the agreement. If either of you agrees to do something of significance that impacts on the relationship, you are not only morally obligated to keep the agreement, you are obliged to find ways in which to best work with the arrangement. Complaining doesn’t help.

Another possibility is that he is displaying passive-aggressive behavior. A passive-aggressive person will appear to go along with something but if it’s not really what they want, they will make your life a living hell by complaining and attempting to wear you down. Obviously a new strategy needs to be installed here.

You said that your husband is wonderful in so many ways. I wonder if he realizes just how important the dogs are to you. I know that our cats are like our children to Elena hence I treat them as such. We love them and I have made a compromise. My complaining has diminished significantly, almost to the point of none at all. If you haven’t already done so, talk to your husband about how hurt you feel by his behavior, and explain to him just how important the dogs are to you.

If this doesn’t work, and he continues his behavior, you may have to find a new home for your dogs, or for your husband.

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

One of my husband’s ex-girlfriends recently called my husband. She made snide remarks about me not allowing him to have her in his life. This is typical of the things she says about me. I really resent her and her remarks. I feel my husband should tell her off and defend me, and our marriage.

My husband and I both agreed that we would not bring our ex’s into our marriage, and I have abided by our agreement but I feel he has not. His ex is only one of several who have periodically attempted to creep into his life. I feel that these people are looming over our relationship. It does not help me feel close to him. This particular ex has been particularly destructive and hurtful

I can’t understand why he allows her to be disrespectful to me and doesn’t just stand up to her. I am very hurt by my husband’s lack of initiative in defending me. I have told my husband how I feel and he has done nothing to change it.

Any advice would be appreciated.
-Marilyn


Dear Marilyn,

It is understandable that you are feeling hurt and betrayed. While your husband is not contacting his ex’s, he is not stopping them from contacting him either.
It could be that your husband likes the attention he is getting from holding onto several women in his life. Some men actually save pictures of all their ex-girlfriends to show off to their friends. It is immature behavior. Imagine men pounding on their chests to demonstrate male prowess. A funny picture, but it fits that profile perfectly.

About the ex you mentioned who has been particularly destructive - perhaps your husband feels that if he ignores her and/or doesn’t respond, she will eventually go away without any prodding. However, she does seem like the type who needs to be told once-and-for-all that the relationship is over. Many men are very uncomfortable having any confrontation with a woman. This is often the reason why a man simply stops calling a woman rather than explaining to her that he's really not interested. Men often dread the woman's "We need to talk" suggestion. "Oh no, anything but that! Can't we just make love instead?"

Marilyn, you don't need "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" to know that there are differences. Here's a common male response: "The reason I didn't tell her is because I didn't want to hurt her?" While some men may truly have this concern, more often the real reason is, "I didn't tell her because her emotional response would make me feel uncomfortable, and I'm a coward." (Sorry guys, but my years of experience speaking with, and working with hundreds of men, have shown this to often be the case). Your husband could possibly fall into this category.

Marilyn, you really have to take some serious action. Have that dreaded "We need to talk" with your hubby. Ask him to tell you exactly why he will not personally put a stop to this. Don't accept "Oh, she'll eventually leave us alone" answer. Look him straight in the eyes and tell him just how much of a strain this situation is putting, not only on you, but on the marriage as a whole. A man's job is to protect his woman, and visa versa. He's not doing his job. What is more important - your feelings and the relationship as a whole, or the possible uncomfortable confrontation with his ex and/or ex's?

Remind him that the confrontation can last minutes, but you are with him for the long haul - a lifetime!

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

I have seen many marriages end over the years because of lack of interest and fun. My husband promised me before we got married that we would have a date night and get all dressed up for each other and go dancing weekly. I have noticed that our marriage needs some positive stimulation so I reintroduced the idea to my husband awhile ago. I found out about a nice local place to go dancing. While my husband agreed that we needed to get away from work and have more fun, he often kicked up such a fuss ultimately. Typically, at the last hour, he decided he had work to do that he could have done at any other time in the week, but did not.. Or he would complain about the money we would spend by going dancing. Yet, he gladly spends money on things for the business or his hobby. He also liked to pick fights with me at the house and/or in the car, before we got to the event, so that by the time we got to the event, I was upset and angry at him.

He usually complained even when we were at the dance so we ended up going home early. He is such a sweetheart on so many levels and I don’t understand his behavior in this. As I mentioned, I wanted us to get dressed up for each other, since we are both pretty sloppy during the week. And I thought it would help us to create more sparks in the bedroom. I also, asked him if he would like to do anything else besides dancing. And he has yet to come up with anything. And too, we only went dancing a few times. It really hurts my feelings. I feel like we are aging so fast because of his attitude.

I really enjoy his company when he cooperates. Otherwise, it seems, he does his best to make it so miserable for me so that I won’t dare mention dancing ever again. I think dancing and/or shared physical activity will help bring us closer as well as alleviate stress. I’ve read that stress contributes to heart disease, the number one killer of woman. And I was born with some heart problems, so I am at risk.

As a woman and his wife, I am reaching out to him and he does not understand how important this is to me and to our marriage. I don’t want to go dancing without him but I also feel it is unreasonable for him to expect me to sit home each and every Saturday night while he goes to his office and works all night long. I am reluctant to go dancing myself because I know that men will hit on me and I also don’t want to dance with other men. I don’t want to bring that sort of thing into our marriage. I am a very loyal and faithful woman. I love him very much and want our marriage to work. I just want us to go dancing on Saturday night for a few hours.

What should I do? Sorry about the long letter.
-Beth Ann


Dear Beth Ann,

You sure have a lot on your mind. I think your husband may have a hard time balancing work and love. It seems he, like many guys, thinks he can only have a successful business and/or marriage, not both. I was guilty of this most of my life, and still hold on to some its residuals. Check out this scenario: I’m sitting watching television, or skimming though a magazine, doing nothing really important. A girlfriend says, “Honey, let’s go out tonight.” And I say, “OK.” All of a sudden I pick up my guitar, begin doodling a bit, and in a few minutes, turn it into full scale practice session. I had no intention of practicing this evening, but now this “more-important-than-life” practice time is being interfered with by my girlfriend wanting to go out. I know that this sounds funny, but whether it’s practicing the guitar, finishing a report, planning a meeting, etc., many guys (and their wives or girlfriends) can relate to this scenario.

Fortunately, my wife Elena has taught me about the importance of having more balance in my life. As I said above, I still have some residual tendencies to act like the above, but I learned (from Elena) that the more I enjoy the “play time”, the more motivated I feel during the “work time”. In fact, many successful people usually play proportionate to how hard they work.

As you might know, I speak and do trainings for a living. Yet at a social gathering it’s not natural for me to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. It takes some forced motivation. Elena, on the other had, is a “social butterfly”. We can be at a social, a department store, or in a restaurant, and within a short time we’re friends with the waiters, waitresses, host, hostess, salespeople, owner, and their pets. It’s so natural for Elena to begin a conversation with a stranger. So what usually happens is, Elena begins a conversation, and pulls me into it. I absolutely love people, so once you get me started, I go into third gear! Your husband may have some social anxiety and/or is uncomfortable trying new things. You can help open the door for him. Remember to gently pull, not push!

I wonder if you can sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your husband, at a time when you are both feeling relaxed, and come to an understanding. Explain to him your concern about your heart problem, and how important it is for you and your heart to relieve stress through dancing, etc. You said that he loves you. How wonderful it would be for him to know that he can not only bring more joy into your life, but also, and more importantly, extend your life by dramatically contributing to your overall health and well-being.

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

I am a single, 40-year old woman. I would really love to get married and have kids. I don’t want to waste my time stupidly dating. I want to settle down now. I have not been able to meet/date any interesting men lately. I live in New York City and am competing with fashion models. What should I do?

Please Help!
-Mindy


Dear Mindy,

You can solve your problem by simply moving to a city where you don’t have to compete with fashion models! Just kidding! Seriously though, I have heard that NYC is a tough place to meet/date men. I’ve also been told that the female-to-male ratio in New York is something like 2 to 1, and because of this some men have become a bit arrogant. I would hope that you don’t want a guy who’s “full of it”, I mean “full of himself” that is.

Mindy, it sounds like you’ve become a bit jaded, and it’s no surprise. Meeting one loser after another can certainly wear one out. But the future does not have to appear so bleak. It’s not where you live, it’s how you live. I believe that you can meet men anywhere you live if you have the right attitude. Your description is a bit intense. It sounds like, upon first introduction, you shake a man’s hand and ask him if he wants to have a family in the very near future, and what his gene pool is like in terms of disease.

Here’s a hint, “this is not a great flirting strategy to employ!” Well, maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but you get my point. I think you might want to think of dating as an adventure and opportunity to meet and possibly befriend new people. This takes the pressure off of you and anyone you meet/date. The desperation is gone. Quantum Mechanics teaches that when we're desperate about something, we tend to push it away. Pursue dating like you would explore bringing new friends into your life rather than looking for a baby-making man. I asked my wife about this question because she has written many books and gives seminars on the subject of ways to meet men. She said one of the first things to do when thinking about a dating plan is to do things that you like and enjoy. Don’t put yourself into social situations that are uncomfortable for you. It is always better to meet people when you are having fun! The brilliant, world-famous Psychiatrist and Holocaust survior, Victor Frankl, said, "The last of human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstances".

So Mindy, think about it. This is where you have a choice. A change of attitude will change your life, because this is where it all begins - we project what we perceive. Have an ongoing love affair with yourself first, and look into getting involved in things that you enjoy! You may soon have your pick of the litter of quality men.

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

Why does my boyfriend feel the need to bring up his ex-girlfriends all the time? He has even gone so far as to compare them to me out loud. I told him that it hurts my feelings but he doesn’t seem to care about my feeling and continues to do it.

What should I do?
-Hanna


Dear Hanna,

What’s with this guy you wonder? Some years (more than I’d like to say) I knew a guy who would constantly criticize his wife about her weight. A group of us would at times meet at his apartment and go out for an evening dinner and some dancing. His wife (I’ll call her “Debbie”) would spend hours getting ready - full makeup and all, a gorgeous dress, and a pair of hot-looking “pumps” - stylish high-heel shoes (I’m sure that you knew the meaning, but this e-zine does go around the world). He would look at her, and in front of everyone say something like, “Hey Debbie . . . . . lookin’ kinda’ big around the rear and hips these days, aren’t we?” (He used “we” instead of “you” to be even more condescending). He’d then look at the rest of us and say, “She just can’t seem to get that weight off . . . . . Keep tryin’ Honey.”

He would then say to the rest of us something like, “You should have seen this girl (his word, not mine) I used to date. She was sooooo hot!” Again, this was said in front of his wife! This guy was a “Class-A Jerk to the nth Power”! Some of us tried to soften his blows by complimenting his wife, but he just kept on inflicting damage mercilessly. The irony was that Debbie was actually a very attractive young lady, and he resembled the likes of a “Troll”. Besides, attractive lady or not, this jerk promised to honor his wife when he made his wedding vows! It’s not surprising that their marriage eventually disintegrated.

Your boyfriend may or may not resemble a “Troll” Hanna; he might even be gorgeous. What I’m going to tell you now might be difficult to swallow - your boyfriend’s behavior has a “positive” intention” - for him that is. Therapists understand the importance of separating “intention” from “behavior” when they work with their clients for behavioral change. No matter how horrific the behavior, the intention is always positive for the person displaying that behavior, but not necessarily for the one who’s on the receiving end.

Space does not permit me to go into a complete treatise on this issue, so I’ll simply give you some possibilities. Your boyfriend could possibly be angry at you, or hurt for some reason, and is lashing back as a means of protecting himself (possible positive intention - “self-protection”). He could be very insecure and needs so much validation that he tries to stir up insecurity in you to cover up for his own insecurity, and uses your responses of hurt as a validation of his desirability (possible positive intention - “personal validation”). Then also, he might simply be an “insensitive jerk”! (possible positive intention – “shielding vulnerability”). If this is the case, there are probably other displays of his “jerk-ness”, so think about other things that he says of does that could make him qualify for this designation.

Your boyfriend might also be a person who thrives on the passion and drama of a relationship - the fights and make-ups - and he wants to get a continuous rise out of you (possible positive intention – “experiencing deep emotions”, whether they are good or bad). There are other possible reasons, but whatever the case, he has obviously not learned that if something is hurtful or troublesome for either person in the relationship, it is a problem for the whole relationship. Besides, his intention may be serving him, but it’s certainly not serving you! You have to talk with him again about how you feel and make sure that this time he really gets it. His actions/response will reveal if he truly cares enough and is committed to making your relationship work. And what if he still doesn’t change? - then “run and don’t look back”!

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

I love my boyfriend very much however I am concerned that he may be suffering from depression. Also, while I empathize with him most of the time, his negativity is very trying. It wears me down.

Any suggestions?
-Ginny


Hi Ginny,

Depression is a word that is thrown around a lot. It’s been used to describe a person’s simplest need to temporarily escape, to having the worst feelings of gloom and doom. Believe it or not, there are actually some people who enjoy being mildly depressed. Now I know I got your attention with that statement.

In the beginning of our relationship (my wife and I were dating about 6 months), I once was sitting down and simply staring at the floor. After watching me do this for a while, Elena finally came up to me and asked, “Honey, are you all right?” I answered, “Yes, I’m just a little depressed.” So she asked, “Is there anything I can do?” And I answered, “Baby, I haven’t been depressed in months, please let me enjoy these few moments.” That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Well, actually not.

I was born in Poland, and people from that part of the world (Slavic people), sometimes feel a need to be what people call, “depressed.” Yet it is not necessarily true depression; it is a need to “feel.” What I needed to do was to “personally feel”. I’ve since learned to schedule my depressions. For example, one week I might make a decision to be depressed from 4:00 PM to 4:15 PM on Satuday. LOL!

Now back to your boyfriend Ginny. Depression is an “escape mechanism” and perhaps he also just needs to escape into “feeling.” The important thing to consider is just how deep is the escape? If on the safe end, he has his moments here and there, I wouldn’t be too concerned. But if he is blue or has mood swings that last for more than a week and there is no provocation for his moods, then his problem may be more serious, and may be clinical depression. Many people believe that if a person that has been diagnosed with depression they can just snap out of it if they make up their minds to do so. However, clinical depression is a serious disease with a physiological basis and often requires medical attention.

If you suspect that your boyfriend has this condition, do not make this diagnosis yourself. Recommend to your boyfriend that he get immediate professional help.”

Some web sites that may be helpful to you are as follows:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/

http://www.depression.about.com/

I am also enclosing some links that maybe helpful for you Ginny, as living with a depressed person can be extremely difficult and frustrating.
http://www.pbs.org/thesilentepidemic/gettinghelp/living.html

http://www.upliftprogram.com/article_deprelate.html


Here's an informative artcle that might also be helpful: "The Guide to Depression and Intimacy for Men", Contributing writer, Gwen Stewart, LCSW

http://www.accessrx.com/resource-center/depression-and-intimacy/

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

I am a college freshmen and a straight “A” student. I have never had a boyfriend and my friends tell me it’s because guys are turned off by a smart girl. Should I play dumb to get a boy’s interest?

Thanks,
-Julie


Dear Julie,

It depends on the motives of the guy. For instance, guys who want to get together sexually very quickly with women would certainly prefer ones with little brains. And there are some women who believe that this "little brains" thing is actually attractive to men. I've seen some absolutely brilliant women suddenly play dumb when they're around a group of guys. It's been said that men are attracted to beauty and women to power. This stems from prehistoric times when men looked for the best women of the clan for procreation, and women needed men for protection. Hence, it would seem that a very intelligent and powerful woman might be intimidating to some guys - but what kind of guys? I hope that we've evolved somewhat beyond the "Clan of the Cave Bear."

We all know how fragile the male ego can be. That's why a twist on an old saying, "Flattery will get you everywhere", could give a woman some leverage in a relationship. But realistically, a truly, smart guy, with a healthy ego, enjoys a smart woman, and can often see through a phony. So after a while he'll see the woman as a game player. And if the guy really needs a woman he can dominate and to whom feel so superior, he should get into therapy and work on his self-esteem. Don’t give your power away!

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

Do you think guys think any less of a woman if she makes love with him soon after they meet? Just curious.

Thanks,
-Diane


Dear Diane,

Even though guys tell you they will respect you in the morning, the truth is most guys will not respect you if you are intimate with them too soon. They will wonder how many other guys you have slept with so quickly. I know it is not fair but the double-standard is around and thriving.

There's a rather vulgar saying that goes something like this: "A stiff 'xxxx' has no conscience." That is not to say that there aren't guys out there who are sensitive and well-meaning. But when some men get excited, somehow another part of their anatomy takes control of their thinking, and they will tell you anything you want to hear - that they'll not only "respect you in the morning", but that they'll "marry you too!"

If you want a guy to take you seriously hold yourself back from being too physically intimate with him too quickly. And if he tries to pressure you by saying, "Well, I'll just have to get it elsewhere!", wish him luck with his potential conquests, and move on. Take your time if you want respect and love.

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

My ex-boyfriend recently sent me a huge bouquet of flowers with a sweet note that he is going to be in town next week and would like to take me to dinner. I have to admit I am very flattered by my ex’s attention. I think it is so romantic! However, I have a steady boyfriend. Should I go?

Please advise,
-Le Anne


Dear Le Anne,

How would you want your current boyfriend to behave if the situation were reversed? If more people played “role reversal” before they simply acted impulsively, many bad feelings would be spared, relationships would be enhanced, and marriages saved.

Before getting involved in a situation like the one above, see yourself in your mind’s eye, watching your boyfriend going out on a romantic rendezvous with one of his ex’s. Then turn up the heat a bit (it could happen when former lovers get together) – not a pretty sight, is it? Be honest and act accordingly.

Best always,
-George


Dear George,

Why do guys tell you they will call you and never do?

I just have to know.
-Lucy




Dear Lucy,

There are several reasons why guys say they will call and don’t follow through. The reasons are as follows:
Most guys are socially awkward. They often say they will call a woman but really don’t mean it. Men often find themselves in social situations that they don’t know how to handle so instead of just telling the woman I think you are nice but I am not interested in you, they say I will call you and then don’t. Men also don’t like conflict and they are concerned that if they don’t say they will call the woman, she will make a scene and they will have to explain and be embarrassed.

And too, some guys change their minds about the woman. After they get home they discover that they really are not interested in the woman and don’t want to pursue her. A small percentage of guys lose phone numbers of women they are interested in dating.

So ladies whatever the guys reason is for not calling, do your best to get on with your life and never, I repeat never, wait for any man’s phone call.

Best always,
-George



Author, Seminar Leader and College Professor, Dr. Elena Bien has combined her broad knowledge base, compassion and humor to her writing, seminars and college faculty positions.
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About Long Distance Relationships (Women Only!)

How many times have you heard that long distance relationships don’t work? Is that really true? In this workshop we will examine some of the myths as well as challenges that many couples endure in long distance relationships. We will examine possible solutions. This fast paced, informative workshop, may help get your long distance on the right track!

Thoughts, Questions and Quotes about Love (Women Only!

Love is painful. All guys are out for one thing. I always attract the losers. There are no good men out there. I will be alone forever. Love never lasts. This dynamic and educational workshop will help you examine your underlying beliefs about love. Understanding your beliefs can help you to invite and create the type of men and relationships you want into your life. This workshop is interactive.

Thoughts, Questions and Quotes about Marriage (Women Only!)

Do you think marriage is meant to last a lifetime? Do you think that it is better to live together than marry? What do you think is the best way to create a happy marriage? These issues and other important issues and beliefs will be addressed in this revealing and dynamic workshop.

Loser Alert! Is “He” the one for you? (Women Only!)

Your clock is ticking and you want to marry and have children. You have just spent the last 4 years of your life involved with a guy who was more interested in his car than you. After you broke up and started dating you just weren’t sure of how to tell if each guy you dated might be the one! This interesting, fun and educational workshop can help you unravel the mystery.

User alert! Is She the one for you? (Men Only!)

The assumption is that men are the hunters in our society, so they of course know when they are being conned in a love relationship, right?  The truth of the matter is that men are as vulnerable as, and maybe even more so, than women in this regard. This workshop can assist men in putting into place certain tools that will help men determine if she is the one to keep or the one he needs to avoid like the plague. This is a fun, interesting and informative workshop!

Who says love can’t last forever? (For Women  Only)
(25 ways to beat the odds!)

You don’t have to go very far these days to be fed the details of the demise of marriage in our society. After a while some of these idea’s that bombard our thoughts can lead to self-prophesizing, which can become your reality, unless there is some kind of intervention. This exciting, entertaining and educational workshop may very well be your intervention!  We will examine at least 25 tips that can help make your love last forever? This workshop may help you beat the odds!

Before you move in with him. (For Women Only)
Men will not openly tell you that they . . . . .

The notion of men meeting a woman and knowing within the first five minutes weather she is the kind of women he wants to marry or the kind of women he wants to live with are still prevalent. If you want to be the marrying kind of women this workshop is for you.

“He said that we needed to live together for at least a year to get to know one another and then we would get married.” ....“It has been five years and he has not put a ring on my finger, and we have no plans to walk down the aisle.” ….”I moved into his place and cleaned for days upon days to make his old place our love nest. About six months after we started living together, he came home and told me that he was in love with another women and they were getting married! I was devastated."  This interesting and informative workshop examines some of the pros and cons of living together. In this workshop you will learn how to be self-protective! 

The Fine Art of Romance (For Men only). Be one of the guys that gets it!
10 Romance tips sure to "WOW" her! 

Most women believe that sex starts with romance…..

Women crave romance and men crave sex. If this sounds like you, then this action packed, interesting and educational workshop may be for you! This workshop will give you at least 10 romance tips that will make her heart melt and can enhance your sex relationship as well.   Sponsor this fun and interesting romance class today!

Releasing and Replacing Ineffective Love Relationship Patterns (Seminar and/or Training Manual)

This educational workshop teaches clinicians how to use a specialized system called "RILP," which incorporates hypnosis and NLP techniques and language. Participants must hold Certifications in both Hypnosis and NLP.

In many situations in life it is impossible to go forward without going back.  Many clients go through the same heart-breaking scenarios time and again because they have little self-awareness. This is true in the area of love relationships.  Effective guided derivational search methods and revivification can help keep clients from repeating the same mistakes.  In this fast-paced workshop your will learn effective ways to deal with your clients’ love relationships issues.  You will learn how to help them identify healthy verses unhealthy patterns, and adjust and/or modify them to make better love choices in the future.  The time-tested techniques and processes addressed in this seminar are easy to use and often produce almost miraculous results.

2-Day Love Awareness Workshop Series

How to Meet and Marry Rich Men (for Women Only!)

There are several reasons why most women want to meet and marry rich men.

If you are a wealthy woman and tired of all the gold diggers out there that love your money and not you!
Or you want to enjoy love as well as the lifestyle that only wealth can bring.
Or you find it personally motivating to be with a man that could buy and sell you (but, of course he wouldn’t do that!)
.....then this workshop may be for you! We will explore the particulars of how you can meet and marry rich men today!

The Fine Art of Flirting

Flirting is a fine art.  It can help you meet people. It can be fun, interesting and thought provoking. Take this seminar and enjoy and learn how to fine tune your natural abilities.

Getting Over the Loss of Love

There are few things that seem to hurt as much as the loss of love either by divorce or death. In this seminar we will give you ways in which to cope with the ups and downs of breakups.

"Divorce-Proof" Your Marriage

It is estimated that a staggering 1 in 3 marriages in the United States will end up in divorce. Why is the divorce rate so high? Is there anything you can do about it? In this fast paced, educational and informational workshop you will be given tolls to assist you and your husband in not being counted as the one who gets divorced!

How to Enjoy the Single Life

I know a woman that wanted to buy a single bed but decided not to buy it because she thought it would somehow jinx her possibilities of meeting and marrying Mr. Right. Perhaps you know someone that has put her life on hold in so many ways waiting and hoping for “him “to come into her life and transform it. In this workshop learn how to enjoy your life, whether you are waiting for him to sweep you off your feet or not!

Great Ways to Meet Men!

I've have heard time and time again that it is virtually impossible to meet eligible guys in New York ! This simply is not true! Learn how you can have a great time and meet lots of interesting and possible dating material type’s guys in this fun and educational workshop.

The Sweet Art of Revenge

I once went to a party and met a woman that I thought was very nice, until I heard her saying she wanted to run over her Ex husband with a tractor trailer. At the time I thought that was a horrible thing to think let along say it out loud. However, when I went through divorce years ago I understood her anger and need to devise a state of revenge. It is actually very healthy and healing. In this workshop you will learn about the benefits of revenge.

Domestic Violence defining and developing strategies to create a Better Life for Yourself

Do you think yelling, cursing at, belittling, pushing, intimidating and/or actual hitting are acts of Domestic Violence? If you or someone you know is in a relationship that has these and other questionable qualities than this may be the workshop for you. We define, explore and engage in life strategy planning.

How to Spot a Liar Before He Makes Off With Your Heart!

Most woman who have been dating for awhile think that they can spot a liar, yet time and time again when they are put to the test they fail…and the liar moves in and takes their heart hostage. Learn some quick and easy to remember ways to spot even the best liar!  This workshop can lessen your changes of ever being taken in again!

How to Have an Affair with Your Husband or Boyfriend

I know it is difficult after a long day at the office or after a full day of picking up after kids to have the energy or inclination to put on your sexiest outfit and play lover with your man. Learn how to put time aside and plan wonderful sexapades!  This workshop can help to assist you in turning your beige intimate relationship into assorted colors of passion, interest and fun! 

Getting Through Divorce Intact

I have heard it said that it is harder to lose your man through divorce than through death. In death you still have fond memories in divorce you may only wish he was dead figuratively!

How to Be Happy if You Are Single During the Holidays

Other than saving all the money you would have saved in gift buying for your would be lover and perhaps his family, this workshop will assist you in exploring ways to increase your pleasure in being single around the holidays!

How to Be a Great Step-Mom! 

If you are engaged or already married to a man that has children that you will/have inherited by virtue of marriage, this may be the workshop for you.  I will help you explore ways to improve the quality of the relationship you cultivate with your step kids!

New
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Transcripts of Dr. Elena's Radio Shows!

 

 


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