|
Couple's Story / Readers' Opinion
Readers' Opinions Poll Results on Missy and Kevin are in . . . . .
Missy and Kevin are living together and have been engaged for five years with no marriage date in sight. Missy wants Kevin to finally work with her on setting the date. Kevin consistently finds excuses, according to Missy, not to set the date and let the engagement linger. Missy recently gave Kevin an ultimatum, if he isn’t going to set the date then she is going to move out and move on.
Readers' Opinions on Missy and Kevin: Overall, 83% of readers felt that Missy is justified in giving Kevin an ultimatum. The general consensus is that Missy should have given Kevin an ultimatum long ago. And that he would have married her already if he wanted to do so. And so Missy will be own her own, if she gives Kevin an ultimatum.
While I appreciate all of your comments and opinions, I found these readers' responses to be particularly compelling.
This reader disagreed and wrote the following:
"Well it must be that both Kevin and Missy are aware how unusual a 5-year engagement is up to this point. I would want to ask both partners first how the engagement came to be. Was it a deep and romantic occasion of one partner thoughtfully looking into the future with an anticipated path? Has this path been shadowed? If so, when and by what circumstances. Or was it more of a ya, we're a couple and have agreed to be loyal sexually to each other as well as to bond together in a way that only living together really does. But that is not marriage. And obviously they both know that. So, again I would have to go back and ask, was the engagement an event, setting the couple on a new path, or sort of a state of mind given the sexual relationship and the desire to share their lives by living together and ya, of course we'll marry, cause that's what always follows all of this, right? Right. No. I would say not always at all, and surprisingly some couples don't realize this. They get engaged and believe that they will grow thru this type of relationship to the state of wanting a marriage relationship. So actually, the anticipation of a marriage was the anticipation of a desire to marry, by at least one partner. I don't know without talking sensitively to the couple about this previous event (the event of engagement) but my guess would be that it is something to this effect. Especially when both partners still enjoy the living arrangements and the loving relationship thereof. It's just that partner still feels the same as the day they became engaged. Not Less! However, the desire to marry has not occurred. Maybe Missy wants to move because she doubts Kevin's feelings as being as they were. There's a major communication difficulty here. It is easy for non-psychological people to overlook this situation. It isn't necessarily negative and they don't know that. If the partner feeling uneasy can remember back and see that indeed it was this anticipation of desire, perhaps she (or he) can see that there has been no betrayal or misleading. And the partner who still hasn't come to that desire might find, thru counseling, that the living arrangement might have something to do with that. Especially for someone with alot of anxiety about pressure and divorce, perhaps among friends, coworkers, or family. I certainly wouldn't put any motivations, even by tone of voice, of Kevin's part onto Kevin.
This directed towards Missy would be akin to breaking the first law of a physician: Firstly, do no harm."
-Name Withheld
This reader disagreed and wrote the following:
”Are they living happily together engaged for five years, or have they become unhappy. Has the engagement issue become one of distrust? Are there secrets being kept as to the true emotional state each on this issue? Are there fears on both sides that could be better addressed in a couples therapist office rather than a do or else ultimatum? Can you imagine if Kevin said okay, how they would hold the emotional state between them when the date was set? Not a very pretty memory to build a marriage on. If Missy is feeling fearful or not important to Kevin, unless she herself is a very good counselor candidate herself, I don't think she will have the communication skills to address the situation with her true intentions being heard. She will probably become frustrated and voice this fear and frustration without a hint of love being heard, even though she does love him very much. (I'm assuming) What a blow up this could be to a possibly wonderful future marriage in which one partner may have a fear or hesitation unknown to even them. There could be many factors contributing to repression here. If Missy just sits down with Kevin one day, even if the conversation is announced in advance, can you imagine, sit down and set a date or else? No, I think it would be go to the park or somewhere sensual and relaxing, not dinner, too no place to get away, someplace with time and lateral give and take on their side and ask if ideas on marriage have changed. Simply. If it's hem and ha and well I'm not really sure, ask to please to have the same conversation with someone there who could lead them to the proper discussion that needs to be had. Not on the proper discussion. That could come later if need be and both are willing. But just to find the correct issue, whether it's commitment, money issues, something within the relationship, just find the roads and let them go down them. If yelling starts before this is found, a totally different emotional air has been set to now try to find it and then to intelligently discuss it. Impossible! Not fair to the couple at all to suggest a war strategy, which is how I view ultimatums. Now the feelings, the fact, the fears, and the intentions of your partner, and then make your life, however you want it the next however many months. There is no ultimatum there. There is no, "change, because if you don't I'm leaving." He should change because he wants to. That is a very different situation and not arrived at, ever, by an ultimatum. His desire to marry should not spring from her threat to withdraw love.
-Name Withheld
This reader was undecided and wrote the following:
”I'm usually very good at these things. At least when I'm on the other side of it. But I find I'm confused a bit because I've learned how inaccurate true communication is between not only nations, but lovers as well. Sometimes what is going on is not what is conveyed from the first sentence of a tug-of-war on. Like Shel Silverstein says, I'd rather play at hug of war. What happens? I think mostly response to misperception egged on by miscommunication. I say egged on only because after a period of time of even mild hostility, one partners answers to another’s inquiries becomes egging on a fight, in the guise of possitivity. Complicated, complicated issues when you consider human beings recognizing their love and their fears are involved. That will be 25 cents, please. Just kidding."
-Name Withheld
New Poll . . . . .
Lisa was pregnant when she married Robert five years ago. Robert has never even considered that the baby was not his son, but Lisa has her doubts. At this late date, should Lisa come clean with Robert?
|
